The Most Necessary:

Prostitute
An enormously underrated profession, particularly in this country. Enough sex has a taming effect. People ought to be able to have sex when they want, without shame and without the risk of violence. Prostitution should not only be legalized, but subsidized by the government; it's in the best interest of all of us that certain folks get laid regularly.

Bartender
Mediator, confidant, and disk jockey. In Britain, shots are dispensed by machine, so there's no such thing as a weak drink -- or a really strong one. Most American barkeeps have the license of artists; no wonder they've got that swagger. The presence of television screens in many drinking establishments has silenced some of the best beerslingers in the business, maybe even yours. Watch his face: his eyes will tell you all you need to know, for the time being.

Telemarketer
Because without being constantly interrupted during dinner, familes would be able to have relaxed conversations which, according to the natural laws of family discourse, would eventually escalate into full-blown fights, during which opinions would be formed -- and if any more people in this country had opinions, they would vote and argue in the streets and demand justice, and then everything would fall apart.

Teacher
Ever notice how often teachers come up in people's memoirs? That's because no matter how numb and cynical we become later, most of us start out as sensitive, fascinated beings. A piss-poor teacher can extinguish the flame under a genius; a great teacher can light a fire which will keep a mediocre student warm all his life. Everybody pays lip service to the importance of teachers, but they don't really believe it. You can tell by the teachers' salaries.

Rock Star
Also movie star, fashion model, and socialite. Without these gorgeous hardbodies around, ordinary people might believe themselves to be attractive, and they would buy less stuff. Industries dependent on the beautiful people: surgical enhancement. Cosmetic dentistry. Drug rehabilitation. Shopping mall glamour photography. Most magazines. Snooty restaurants. Lingerie. Cryonics. Biographies. Bearable porn. Zen Buddhism. Ice sculpture. Television. Exercise.

Librarian
Guardians of Truth and Order. Barbara Bush's pet project was literacy, and Laura Bush used to be a librarian. George the Younger has cut federal library spending to ribbons, which at least suggests that the President isn't henpecked.

Professional Athlete
Noam Chomsky has pointed out that American men who show little aptitude or interest in politics can analyze a single ball game for hours. This suggests that pro athletes count more to most men than politicians -- and why not? You can't buy your way onto the New York Yankees. The best and loudest athletes have incredible clout among demographics groups which don't show up to the polls. Think about this: kids who have never heard of Dick Cheney would follow Derek Jeter onto any battlefield.


The Least Necessary:

Weatherperson
Be thankful your doctor isn't wrong this often. It's these nerds glued to the Weather Channel who are least likely to get outside all day. And the special updates for commuters are laughable -- aren't these people travelling by car? Life is short. It's all good weather.

Food critic
How did this become an industry? I love when these people try to pad their increasingly wacky recipes with cheap psychology, like last Thanksgiving when they reported a renewed interest in traditional foods sparked by September 11. The only major chance I've noticed is a nationwide obsession with deep-fried turkey -- tasty, but hardly indicative of the state of the nation. At least I hope not.

Stock broker, market analyst, etc.
If everyone on Wall Street turned off their computers and moved to San Miguel, how long before regular people noticed? There's something sinister about not being able to explain what you do for a living in less than 50 words.

Wedding planner
Anybody out there remember when people used to do this themselves? I see these couples in coffee shops looking over swatches with their "expert," and the loveless fools aren't even touching each other! Let's bring it down to earth. The planning period shouldn't outlast the marriage.

Anyone in any way connected with a "reality" television program
These blithering, narcissistic morons are reupholstering the minds of a whole generation. A lot of these shows are broadcast in other countries; think about that before you travel abroad. The cast of "Real World" should be lined up and shot before they breed.

Psychic, palm reader, astrologist, psychoanalyst, etc.
Do any of us really want to know?