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Can You Hack It As a Hawker?

By Gareth Hughes

It is the greatest job on the planet. First the benefits: No healthcare, no options, and you only work weekends. Next the salary: $175 a week at the very best. And you would all slice off an arm to have this job as a Beer Hawker for the New England Patriots.

Upon first hearing of this work, most people ask how they can get this oasis job in the current desert. The answer is as simple as the want ads. People's faces brighten -- but, before you strap a bucket over your shoulder and a money belt around your waist, you should consider the necessary attributes of the roving beer hawker.

The Voice: The most necessary attribute for the Hawker; the voice is what will get you over the PA, the play calls, cheers, and shitty stadium rock. The voice must come from deep in the chest; by pushing air up and out from the diaphragm, the Hawker is able to achieve maximum volume while maintaining stamina -- those who yell from the throat will shred their vocal chords, and when "Rock 'N Roll Part 2" kicks in for the Ninth time, they will be drowned out by Gary Glitter. Not an honorable fate.

The Hook: The NFL is the most effective public relations machine in the history of sports, and after seeing a few games you will know why. How then does the Hawker compete with the fast paced action? In the same way that the hawk uses its talons to snatch up its prey, you must use your own obnoxious talent to capture the customer. Below is a list of some catch phrases from the past fall:

  • "Guinness: It's better than bacon!": While seemingly abstract, this started many debates between hawker and prey, thus opening up lines of banter, leading to sales. Though, in the end, we all -- down to the last slaughtered swine -- agree on this.

  • "Big Boy Sodas!": While this line only works when there is a family around, it is a great way to get the attention of the families in attendance; fathers will lean over and laugh like they are the only ones in existence who have ever heard this joke, and then ask for a beer. Plus, there is nothing like watching that little kid try to reach up into your bucket to grab at their first beer, and see his mother scolding him while Dad drinks up.

  • "Free Beer with purchase of $6.50 Plastic Cup!": This line is tough, so be careful. Some people will laugh and give a thumbs up, some will chuckle and buy a beer. And, others will actually ask you if you are giving away beer, and say they don't need the cup. Yes, they need that, not to mention a sense of humor with a shred of common sense. The point is, be careful with this one -- best for the crowded concourse before a game.

  • "Behold the awesome power of Guinness!": This line only works when the can is held above your head, and thrust into the air a la He-Man summoning the power of Grey Skull. But when delivered in this manner, it is a rousing setup for a good closing line, like:

  • "Whooooooooooooooooooo's Drinkin!": The greatest line in the hawker repertoire. Just let the fans know that you know why you're there -- to get them smashed while they keep the seats warm. They are there to "get drunk and watch these freaks kill each other" as one astute fan put it. It is your job to take care of number one and this is an unexpectedly straightforward and humorous way to do it. Plus, the drawn out 'Who' is classic hawker schtick.

    The Finger
    While you will want to give one particular finger to most of the fans after their third dip into your bucket, you will actually give them another digit throughout the day. The index finger is your most trusted friend during the game, while the patron's most trusted are his first two. Your index finger will be used to pry open can after can; after the season's first week, the end of this finger will get calloused and numb, and you won't be able to feel a thing in it until January, when the cold will keep it numb. So, basically, forget you even had a right index finger, and move on to the middle one, which is where you wanted to start in the first place. Right?

    The Shoulders
    You are going to be lugging 30 pounds of beer, ice, and cups for about four hours. Your upper back and shoulders need to be in good shape; the legs help, as climbing the stadium steps is no picnic, but the shoulders are the muscles most important in surviving a full day in the stands. I'm not saying invest your earnings in a Bowflex; just be warned some degree of soreness is to be expected.

    The Pour
    This is the best way to make tips, and amaze patrons with your skills: the double pour. Open two beers, and using the left hand, place them in your right hand, open tabs facing the same way. Then, stand two cups upside down, and flip them up with the left hand. Quickly tip the right into the left, and wow the customers like four-year-olds watching a dirty clown make balloon animals at a birthday party. Which you kind of are. Only at a bigger party, with better balloons, and this animal will save you time and earn you tips; so learn it.

    The Dignity
    Most vital to your actually being able to survive as a hawker. Can you walk around proudly wearing a foot tall hat shaped like a pint glass? Can you ignore the big game in the name of your calling? The hawker sees maybe three plays in the entire first half while selling beer, and is so tired after halftime that he will usually just leave. You must remain dignified in a crowd that will steal your hat off your head and pass it down the 25 rows, that will throw their little retarded friend up in the air after every point scored, and whose Sunday best means face paint and a novelty hard hat. You must walk through this crowd as one of them, yet at the same time maintain some of the decorum that is demanded of your position. You must be bigger than the game of football.

    Now, do you all still really want the job? Moreover, do you have what it takes to actually do the job? Look in the mirror, and forget the all-access pass to the Pats, and ask: do you have what it takes to Hawk?

    Written by Gareth Hughes on Apr 01, 2003
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