The Memo
By Gareth Hughes
TO: All Employees
FROM: The Man
CC: G. W. Bush
June 1, 2003
Dear Reader:
This is a memo to inform you of some important policy changes to be implemented effective immediately. Should you fail in your duties to comply with these new guidelines, you will find your place and future in the company severely compromised.
Effective today, you no longer need a job that you love; you need a job that pays you money, the bills, and fills a valuable cog in the greater machine. Your 'dreams,' 'talent,' and 'potential' that your parents spoke of should be forgotten. It is imperative that you embrace the ideas of middle managing, saying 'yes,' staying late, and working weekends.
Appearance is very important in conveying that you have received the Memo. Work attire must be purchased from Banana Republic, The Gap, Abercrombie & Fitch, and consist of pressed slacks, starched shirts, and silk ties. Friday is the only day of the week when you may wear jeans. Should you choose to exercise your option of Friday jeans wearing, they should not have any holes, and any fading must have been sold to you by the company at an extra charge, not incurred through actual work or wear.
Whatever feelings of remorse you may feel after compromising your dreams can be remedied by the consumption of alcohol. This is an acceptable choice, though alcohol consumption should be limited to certain very specific situations. You may only drink Amstel Light, Vodka Tonics, or Captain and Coke. Other drinks are not owned by the company, and therefore are for the profit of the infidels. You should imbibe only in the finest of drinking establishments. They must boast a dress code as high as your own.
Women: you should accentuate your finer assets through revealing clothing. Low cut, skin tight, and see-through clothing is a must in attracting the attention of the opposite sex. As of now, this clothing must also be worn while dancing as suggestively as possible. 'Grinding' and 'Freaking' are the only dances that may be performed when engaging in socialization and courtship rituals.
Men: your cologne must cost as much as your car insurance payments; you must wear enough so that all women in a bar will be able to note your presence olfactorally through the smoke of those who did not get the Memo.
When not socializing and engaging in courtship activities, your time should be spent in the pursuit of cultural edification. MTV, Rolling Stone, Time Magazine, and USA Today will provide you with all the current events, cultural insight, and political views necessary for day to day interactions with your peers. If you feel the urge to turn off your television and seek leisure through reading, we suggest looking into 'Book Clubs'. Since the cancellation of Oprah's book club, we suggest consulting USA Today and CBS This Morning. These 'Book Clubs' can serve as a great way to meet other people with interests similar to yours.
One great place to do a lot of reading is at the beach. Travel must be limited to spring break excursions. Follow MTV to where they deem popular, scenic and tropical for that spring, and enjoy the time reveling with your peers.
After approximately three years of work and partying, you may feel the urge to settle down, and start a family similar to the one that spawned you. This family should begin in a suburban area, removed from the city. We urge you to find a group of your peers who resemble you in interest, look, and race. Move with them, thereby raising the property values and improving your children's schools and future. The first to move may find so-called 'minorities' in these areas; do not panic. Remain in the area until your peers arrive, and the 'minorities' will leave of their own accord. You may then commence with your own conception process, and begin a family similar to the one that gave rise to the glowing success that you will now have become. Should you feel the need to travel from your home area, your travel should be to various lakes and oceans where others of your peers and your children's peers can be found.
In order to ensure our maximum performance level as a team, each individual must follow these explicit instructions. Do not forget your role in the team, and the individual commitment that maximum performance demands.
Sincerely,
The Man
